Today my view is different-- denial

Today, I'm one of the nonbelievers. Today I'm back in denial.
I don't know why I get like this. Maybe its just where I need to be for today. Maybe its because writing that letter to the others last night made me feel too raw, too vulnerable, too guilty.
Today I want to deny their very existance.
Today I want to say, I'm just hearing my own voice in my head.
Today I just want to say, well I just get in these moods, you know? Everyone has moods... everyone acts differently in different situations. (never mind that my moods also have their own moods, their own lives, thoughts, and opinions, and ways of being.)
Today I want to say, this thing is supposed to be RARE.
That means, it doesn't happen to ME.
Today I want to ignore the tons and years of evidence I have.
Today I want to forget about the fact when I try to ignore them and deny them, that they always do something big to get my attention and prove their existence (such as put a knife through my hand.)
Today I just want silence.
Today I just want to be like everyone else. I just want to have a friend to hang out with. I want to just do whatever I want, instead of having to plan around what a bunch of internal kids want. Today I feel like sleeping, or just reading one of my books...instead of making time for them to color, to swing, to read a childrens book, and whatever else comes to their minds. I dont want to have to help when the littler ones have flashbacks, when the depressed ones talk about terrible things they remember.
Today I just want to be selfish.
I just want to be me.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback