Therapy

I went into therapy for my eating disorder.
Man, how I wish that's all it had stayed at.
My poor therapist. Little did she know. Little did I know.
At one of my 1st few therapy sessions, I remember her asking me about Time. I told her about how in a store, I'd go look at something for 5 minutes, and my husband would complain that I'd been in there for an hour. My therapist asked me if that happened often.
I already knew what she was asking about...Do you ever lose time?
That was a direction I was too scared to go in. I told her no, I made up some silly excuse, and hoped it wouldn't come up again.
I dont remember a lot of my therapy sessions. I was dissociating so much, disappearing inside myself, especially when it was time to talk about difficult stuff. I'd go in and say hi to my therapist, and next thing I knew, it was time to go, and I had no idea what we'd just been talking about or where the time had gone. I was too scared to say anything.
Meanwhile, at home, I was finding things: drawings--that looked like they'd been done by children. And also beautiful drawings, by someone who obviously could draw. Most of it I didn't remember doing, but it had my name on it, or would be in secret drawers where I kept my private things.I would find things in my closet---- this is almost funny to me now, because its so classic-- I'd find things that I'd bought but didn't remember, that I would NEVER wear. Looking back at my old journals now, I can see different handwritings, dialogues between various people, recurring elements such a black boxes and little girls drawn curled up in a corner. I had incessent conversations and "yelling" in my head. I still didn't mention anything to my therapist, I dont think.
(But then again, I may have--- I remember so little from then.)
I was so afraid of being labeled crazy.
My eating disorder and cutting got worse and worse, and so did my depression. I'm sure I drove my therapist crazy on more than one occassion, trying to figure out what to do with me. I was so afraid to tell her what was going on.
A few years ago though, I decided I had to. Something happened one night that made me decide I'd had enough, and it was time to get help.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Migraines