Privacy and fears

I went to therapy again this morning. I feel a little better, although I'm not sure why. Yesterday we talked about hard stuff, and my therapist wanted me to be able to go 24 hours without doing any self-injury or eating disorder behaviors. I didn't manage to do it. :( I made it until 1:00 in the morning though. Thats got to count for something. She knew right away this morning when I went in there. She asked me how much self injury I did last night. "How did you know?" I asked her. (for heavens sake, I had long sleeves on, no bandaids or anything!) "Because I know you so well."
ARGhhh. Thats true.
I cannot lie to my therapist. At all. I don't know if its her face or if its because I know she doesn't lie to me, or what. But I cannot lie to her. So I also confessed to taking diuretics the past 2 nights as well.

*hide*

Well I've been doing recovery for 6 months now and I'm going to work very hard to not do these behaviors again.
The hard thing is that I have parts of me who are not in recovery. The one who calls herself Nobody is still very definitely anorexic, and so is the one who is referred to as Fat Girl. Thankfully, they don't show themselves very often. I've been trying so hard to get behaviors under control. I dont like it when things happen that are out of my control.

I also do not like that they have invaded my diary here. This was supposed to be PRIVATE. MY diary, for me, Pilgrim. Not for Missy, or Mae, or Nobody to write in. It was supposed to be for PILGRIM ONLY. Its like they have no concept of privacy. :(

On a semi-related note...
I dont know if I've ever told anyone in my life my biggest fear.
I am so afraid of getting in trouble for accidently doing something wrong, or another part of me doing something wrong and me not knowing about it. But then me getting in trouble for it. It scares me so much to know that so much goes on that I dont know about. I have always, ever since I was little, been so afraid of getting in trouble for doing something I didn't realize I did. I am still so afraid of it. I would be on trial for something I don't remember, don't even know about, and have no way to defend myself. Yet, I would have to take responsibility. It'd be the only responsible thing to do. Heck, I could easily get framed. Someone can tell me I did something and I'm like "Oh, I did. Weird, I don't remember that..." But i would assume it was just Missy, or Caroline, or Mae, or another part of me that did it.
If any of them did something wrong, i would still need to pay the price for it. It'd be the right thing to do.
But it just scares me so much. What if someday, Mae steals something, like a sucker or a sparkley bracelet? She's 5 and might not realize that's wrong, but I'm 31 and I would have to be held responsible. What if...what if...what if....
it just scares me.
I want so much to get my life under control. I am so afraid of things happening that I dont know about.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback