My responsibility

I need to do a better job of coping with things. This is just a fact.
I can't keep dissociating and letting the others do it...although I wish I could.
But that's the easy way out.
Things get rough, or emotional, or too stressful, or triggering--- and off I go to...(to where?)....to....anywherebuthere.. And I find myself dealing with life as a 5 year old, or a 17 year old named Nobody, or a 12 year old, or a host of others. I guess its my way to escape, to give myself a break from things I can't handle.
But I need to stop that.
I need to remember that I'm not in abusive situations anymore. I'm not powerless (even though sometimes it feels that way.). I have choices I can make. I don't need to escape anymore.
Dissociating may have been needed back then, back in my childhood and teens and even my 20's, but...now I'm a little older... I need to learn to live as myself.
I'm trying to learn how.
During the school year I was too stressed out, too busy, and had to many things going on, to work much on this---this big, bad, scary issue. I don't even remember much of November to February...come to think of it, I don't remember March either...
But now its summer vacation.
Time to get to work.
Time to take advantage of this opportunity.
By the time summer started 2 weeks ago, I was ready: armed with notebooks, organizers, a knapsack (does anyone say knapsack anymore?), markers,clay, PaintShop Pro, and a bunch of other craft supplies, I've been spending my days of summer letting the others get their voices out, letting themselves be heard, letting them express themselves. Hence the picture last night of Nobody's sculpture.
I think that if I can let them express themselves, maybe that will help.
I'm also trying to increase communication between us by everyone writing notes in the notebook.
My therapist has been giving me assignments to do (hard ones!) to write about.
I am trying so.freaking.hard.
i hope this works.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback