Mae's hard day.
Monday night
I am not sure what happened today. I am really mixed up still.
I cant figure out whats been going on today. I think I’ve been really spaced out.
Mae--- crying all day with horrendous flashbacks that made her AND me sick and wanting to throw up. Cutting with pieces of mirror. There was a storm…?? This morning?? Not sure how I got through work, that’s… a blur.
Someone must have handled it for me…I guess.
I was really having a hard day, didn’t want him to think any of it had to do with him. But Mae was there too… or someone was, anyway, just not me, because someone else was talking to my husband, while I sat back and watched from far away because I just couldn’t handle anything.
I’m so confused. Mae’s been crying and screaming and I’ve been crying and …??? The animals. And about their eyes and being hurt. And Mae crying over and over that we said she could talk to my therapist on MONDAY. I keep telling her I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to say, I’m just sorry, I’m doing things wrong, I told her I’m trying to help but I don’t know what to do, I want to help but I don’t know how. And she was cutting with scissors sometime today? I think it was after supper. Or…heck I don’t know.
She made a collage and I don’t know what else.
Then she must have fallen asleep from crying. I woke up at 9:45 p.m. trying to figure out what was going on and I didn’t know where I was but I had cuts on my wrist and Mae’s collage in front of me.
It was really weird because for a few moments it was like me, Mae, and someone else (don’t know who?) we re all present at the same time (that was THE WEIRDEST FEELING) and seeing who was going to take over… that was so strange… but I was so out of it. I didn’t know how much time had passed but I guess it was quite a few hours, I am too confused. For some of that time I was asleep.
I’m in a daze still trying to figure out my day I don’t know maybe I don’t want to know.
I know this morning I was telling you about the screen I could see Mae’s flashbacks on. I think that is the last thing I knew was going on. I was still sitting in the chair in my therapist's office though. I guess a lot of things must have happened though because its now 11:40 at night.
And theres notes from Mae and a collage and …. I just know I have been having a really bad day.
Guess I could spend all night trying to figure out what happened today but that wont get me anywhere.
Fog in my head is heavy today I guess.
I’m trying to think of what to do for Mae and nothing comes to mind. Its too close. Too close.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
