living with consequences of a dissociative disorder
I'm writing again tonight, because I'm dealing again with one of the consequences of having a dissociative disorder. Losing friends. Losing time. Losing things.
Someone I used to be best friends with is online right now. We were best friends for 3 years or so. Very close, or so I thought.
All of a sudden, this winter, she stopped speaking to me.
I have no idea why.
I was pretty much out of it from November on...I remember almost nothing until this spring.
I know that some of the others, kids included, hung around with this friend.
But then one day, out of the blue,she decided to have nothing to do with us anymore.
And I cannot figure out why.
If one of the others said something, or did something, I would gladly apologize...take responsiblity...fix what I could.
The other adults inside have also racked their memories, trying to figure out what might have been the problem, and come up blank.
I've tried to get ahold of my ex-friend, but she refuses to discuss "what happened" with me. Says that if she wanted to discuss it, she would have by now.
I just have no idea.
Something happened...during that time period where I was absent. I want so much to know what it was.
Damn losing time thing. I would give anything to know. I miss my friend so much. I've been so lonely without her, and this has left a big hole in my heart.
I just wish I KNEW. Its so frustrating. Was it something I said? Something one of the others said? Something I did? Something I didn't do? Something I didn't say? Did one of us offend her somehow? Is it just all about her, and not about us? I have tried to find out, and a couple others have tried to find out-- "Well, if you're not speaking to Pilgrim, will you still speak to ME?" "How about to me?" But she won't tell.
I just want to KNOW what happened. But there is nothing there but blank space.
The thing is, when you break off a relationship with someone like me, you leave much more than one person. And that is where the real hurt comes in, I guess.
It'd be different if my friend just left ME. I could probably dust off my boots and move on after a few months.
But there are others inside who have been left behind by her also, and that makes things extra complicated.
Especially the little ones, who looked up to my friend as a big sister, who loved for her to come over to play and color and go to the park.
They don't understand at all, why their special friend no longer comes over to play. They have cried and cried over "what did they do wrong?"... and I have absolutely no answers, because I just don't know.
This ex-friend has made it clear that she doesn't want to speak to me, or any of the people inside of me, anymore.
So we're just waiting, all of us, to see if she will ever fill in the missing piece for us, to tell us whatever happened during that missing time.
I am so lonely. And the 5 year old anxiously waits to see if I will send a message over the internet to our ex best friend... she's right here, near the front,
I am so sorry, Mae. I'm so sorry that we somehow lost our friend. I am so sorry.
some days i just can't. take. this.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Pilgrim, This breaks my heart. I am in love with a multiple but he does not share these things with me. Maybe for the first time you have helped me realize how my feelings affect everyone in his system. I wish he could be as open as you are. Thank you