A day in the life of me
That poem that's in the previous entry was posted and written by a part of me named Nobody... who was around most of the day today. Its been a rough day. I wouldn't even know where to start to explain it, so maybe I shouldn't. A day of sad drawings, wanting to cut, little one crying in therapy, taking a nap because I'm so exhausted afterwords, so much work to do, feeling so...defective...today.
Words are hard to find tonight. I've opened my journal manager several times tonight trying to think of something to say. Something profound, something helpful, something ....anything.
But I've come up blank.
This is what my life is like some days:
Wake up , and found that a couple others were already awake and talking about some other subject (I can't remember what, now). They both said hi to me when I woke up. That still throws me off a bit-- they've just recently started doing that in the last few weeks, greeting me in the mornings, and I gotta say, its just plain WEIRD to wake up in an empty room and hear 2 or 3 voices say "hi" to you from inside your head, or to wake up and know you've come in at the middle of a conversation.
Morning-- flashbacks. Someone crying. I was trying to exercise, but a particular little one kept taking over and crying, wringing her hands (which she does when she's stressed or anxious--so, almost all the time), and drawing pictures. Saying things hurt, that her hands hurt, that she wants to talk to my therapist, that she wants to go home, that I dont understand. I was present enough to ask her "what don't I understand?" but then she'd take over entirely, and... I dont even know. She's 5. She's still learning I guess.
A person called Nobody was around all day--drove to therapy. The flashbacks continued, I'm not exactly sure how things went in therapy, but I know she was crying, and I get so embarassed, because there I am in my 30's and i'm an adult and yet there is my body sitting on the floor ...curled up...crying. so much of what they do...i just feel so ashamed and embarassed.
Came home and apparently posted this old poem.
Take a nap-- exhausted.
I finally "came to" as myself about 8:00, and even then, I felt as if I were only halfway here. The kids were too close, still too upset, still having flashbacks, but I was at least starting to have control over my body again so I managed to get some housework done despite the fact that every few minutes I had to stop and wring my hands or curl up in a ball on the floor.
I talked online to 2 other people with D.I.D., 2 of my friends, to get advice abou how they cope, how they handle problems. They keep saying "take baby steps"...but I am tired of baby steps, I want to take a giant leap now and then. I want to get better, whatever that means. I just know that I do not want to be THIS.
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