I dont want to go into it. But I HATE HATE HATE having multiple personalities. I hate DID. I hate all the stupid things in my life I have done because of it. I hate all the losses we've had because of it. I hate all the stupid things we've done. The inside kids miss Sharon so much. So do I. I miss my old friends so much. If I could have just kept my act together then maybe things would have turned out better. I wish I could have just done everything right. I have asked them all for forgiveness but Sharon wouldn't even respond. She probably holds it over my head and won't forgive me and that just weights me down. At least one old friend acknowledged me when I asked her to please forgive me. That helped a little. I wish I could forget everything. I hate the war in my head. I'm trying so hard to turn my life around and be a new person. I wish I could completely forget the past. I just want to be a completely new person. With a different brain. I have lost weight and had all my hair cut off and gotten new clothes, am going to a new school and a new classroom, but I still need a new brain.

I had a new friend come over to my house last night. That was something I have been praying for, for a very long time. I met a friend on a web board for artists, and at the beginning of summer when I was still on my crutches I went to her house a couple of times to paint. Last night she came over to my house and we made glass jewelry in my kiln. I taught her how and she was really excited. She made some really pretty stuff. We also painted. She stayed for a couple of hours and we just hung out and created things and also made future plans. She is going to come help me get my classroom set up this year in and I'm going to help her redecorate her art room.

I was very skittish about the idea of having a friend over. The last time we had someone visit was my ex-best friend and that was years ago.. and that all ended badly with me hurting her and her hurting me. It was all a big disaster....even though we miss her so much sometimes. But she hates us... so I guess its dumb to miss her. Then there was Sharon. I am doing things way different with people these days when I meet them. I don't expect things out of them anymore. People cannot meet my needs, only God is qualified to do that. My husband says I should always have expectations of people. I don't know about that. Maybe we're too jaded right now. I don't have any plans to get close to people or trust people. I don't feel like I can open up to people or talk to them about anything serious.I don't know if I'll ever do that again. My heart still hurts too much from what happened with Sharon. Its like everything inside us is tender and we have no skin on.

It so often feels like there's a war in my head. It goes on all the time inside of us. It's not as bad as it used to be years ago but its still there. Mostly I try to ignore it now. I try to ignore and bury everything now. I'm trying to just bury the past and leave everything behind.
There is a book that helped me called Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. I picked it up in a bookstore a few months ago. I read about the author and looked up her website (www.joycemeyer.org). I just wanted to share those. She has something like 80 books. I want to read every one of them.
Anyway, I just wanted to share.