June 10, 2005

Chronic fatigue syndrome in hiding

Hello, well, have been living a prety normal life of late so have neglected my blog. To Toy, who asked about anti-depressants again, sorry it's taken me so long to reply, only found your message today. Yes, I am still on citalopram. My doctor reckons I need to be stable for around six months before considering changing to fluorexetine (spelling optional). So, as I feel I have probably been stable for about eight weeks or so, I still have a way to go. Then it's back to those withdrawals for a while during the time the new drug takes hold I suppose. I read an article in the Guardian on Saturday about someone who has had the same problems as me coming off SSRIs. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one, even though medical evidence is limited on the subject. Also, just so you know, I was put on the drug in the first place to deal with the anxiety and depression that resulted from being ill for so long without answers.
Anyway, back to my progress. Yes, things are going well. I went on a camping holiday last week and flopped a bit though. I guess it was relaxing for the first time in a while. It's the first genuine holiday I've had for about four years. It did scare me a bit though how sleepy and lethargic I was for a few days. Poor old dad suffered too. I'm never quite sure who suffers more when I'm ill - me or him. Sometimes I think it's easier being the one who's ill rather than watching it happen. Sometimes!
The job is still fine, but still struggle with my colleagues at times. They are all very narrow minded at times. The irony is that I'm gay and I'm totally open about that, but am not 'out' at all about my illness. The only person who knew was my old boss, but he's gone now. I know I really ought to tell my new one, but I am scared. What if he doesn't believe in it? What if he thinks I'm a malingerer? What if he thinks I'm lazy? I can hear the whispers of 'yuppy flu' now! I think they think that when I was off work I was depressed. And of course I was, but that wasn't the primary problem. The sheer fatigue and lack of energy started it all. Gosh, isn't life hard sometimes.
On top of all that I do have to remind myself that I do have this condition and not go back into denial, as I believe I was before the most recent relapse. I have to take it seriously.
Other news... Have recently started seeing someone new. Actually, she's not that new. I've known her for around five years. She's seen me good and bad, ill and fit. All my relationships in the past have stumbled due to me being ill and putting a strain on things. But, for once, I think this will not be a problem this time. Obviously, there is a plethora of other things that will go wrong - cue anxiety, neurosis and paranoia. It that a symptom or is that just me? And where do the two separate?

Posted by Sleepy Sal on June 10, 2005 10:20 AM