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June 29, 2005

Chronic fatigue syndrome and workaholics

Today I am going to have a serious rant about…. workaholics.
I have had quite enough of people who seem to pour untold energy into work, do without breaks, come in early and leave late. There is a new chappy in my office who is doing this, and as a result everybody thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread. I must look like a complete lazy pants compared to him – coming in at 9am, taking a lunch hour and leaving at 5.30pm. Heavens to Betsy! How could I be so bold?! The thing is, I still get all my work done, often before deadline. If I worked like that I would last about two days then drop with exhaustion. I learnt a long time ago that I can only usefully work for short intense periods, then I need a break. After the break I am then fit to work again. But somehow, in order to gain brownie points in the office you have to martyr yourself to the company and chain yourself to your computer terminal. Frankly I am not paid enough to do that. I’m not physically equipped either. If I hear another word about how dedicated this bloke is I might just scream. What people don’t realise is I cam dedicated, I am just painfully aware of my limitations!
It doesn’t help that I am currently going out with someone who appears to be able to work seven days a week, 20 hours a day, have medical issues, yet still manage. How does that work? And where do I fit in? I suppose I have spent so long planning my time down to the last minute, timetabling in rest, fun, sleep, food and recovery, I have ceased to understand those who don’t do it. I guess I am the exception.
I am more tired than usual this week due to my GP… On Friday I went to see him for a check-up. He was interested to hear about my mental state (slightly frayed since entering into a relationship – I know how to cope alone, with someone there somehow it is more complicated). Anyway, generally things are fine, so, as discussed a few months ago, he suggested changing over the fluoxetine. To recap, I’m currently on citalopram, an SSRI, but he is concerned because I have been on it for five years on and off and the long-term side effects are unknown. I have to say, when he said it was time to change I was filled with horror. New anti-depressants mean new side effects. But that was put in its place by his suggestion that I have recurring depression and I may have to accept being o this medication for some time to come. He hinted that I may just have to live with this for the rest of my life. I was, perhaps naively, shocked by this. It threw me into turmoil for the next couple of days, and if I didn’t feel fragile before the appointment, I certainly did afterwards.
I know it’s just the same as someone taking blood pressure pills or something, but you cannot help change the view of yourself when someone tells you that you are a chronic depressive.
So, thus far, the only side effect seems to be extreme sleepiness. I went home to watch some tennis at lunch time today (marvelling at the energy these athletes have) and virtually dropped off. Luckily I woke up soon enough to get back to work in time.
The boss has been very understanding thankfully and knows I may take a while to come back down to earth. This is lucky because I am struggling to explain things to people at the moment. It is like my brain has been filled with treacle and is working a bit slower than usual, which is somewhat annoying. Speed of wit, writing and work is one of my better qualities. Patience is not.
Anyway, moan moan, whinge whinge, such is life.

Posted by Sleepy Sal at 10:07 AM | Comments (0)

June 10, 2005

Chronic fatigue syndrome in hiding

Hello, well, have been living a prety normal life of late so have neglected my blog. To Toy, who asked about anti-depressants again, sorry it's taken me so long to reply, only found your message today. Yes, I am still on citalopram. My doctor reckons I need to be stable for around six months before considering changing to fluorexetine (spelling optional). So, as I feel I have probably been stable for about eight weeks or so, I still have a way to go. Then it's back to those withdrawals for a while during the time the new drug takes hold I suppose. I read an article in the Guardian on Saturday about someone who has had the same problems as me coming off SSRIs. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one, even though medical evidence is limited on the subject. Also, just so you know, I was put on the drug in the first place to deal with the anxiety and depression that resulted from being ill for so long without answers.
Anyway, back to my progress. Yes, things are going well. I went on a camping holiday last week and flopped a bit though. I guess it was relaxing for the first time in a while. It's the first genuine holiday I've had for about four years. It did scare me a bit though how sleepy and lethargic I was for a few days. Poor old dad suffered too. I'm never quite sure who suffers more when I'm ill - me or him. Sometimes I think it's easier being the one who's ill rather than watching it happen. Sometimes!
The job is still fine, but still struggle with my colleagues at times. They are all very narrow minded at times. The irony is that I'm gay and I'm totally open about that, but am not 'out' at all about my illness. The only person who knew was my old boss, but he's gone now. I know I really ought to tell my new one, but I am scared. What if he doesn't believe in it? What if he thinks I'm a malingerer? What if he thinks I'm lazy? I can hear the whispers of 'yuppy flu' now! I think they think that when I was off work I was depressed. And of course I was, but that wasn't the primary problem. The sheer fatigue and lack of energy started it all. Gosh, isn't life hard sometimes.
On top of all that I do have to remind myself that I do have this condition and not go back into denial, as I believe I was before the most recent relapse. I have to take it seriously.
Other news... Have recently started seeing someone new. Actually, she's not that new. I've known her for around five years. She's seen me good and bad, ill and fit. All my relationships in the past have stumbled due to me being ill and putting a strain on things. But, for once, I think this will not be a problem this time. Obviously, there is a plethora of other things that will go wrong - cue anxiety, neurosis and paranoia. It that a symptom or is that just me? And where do the two separate?

Posted by Sleepy Sal at 10:20 AM | Comments (0)